ambivalence

Today is my last day of unemployment. After a prolonged search to find a treasury position locally, I expanded my search to south Denver (40 miles away) and was offered a position earlier this week. I thought I'd be ready to receive more than an unemployment check and get busy paying off the moving debt. After 10 months at home however, I am going to miss the laid back schedule and time to explore, run trails and get household chores/projects done. It's going to be a rude re-awakening to the stress of balancing work and home demands.

As I deal with my trepidation, I reflect on several things that I believe to be true:

1) God in his infinite wisdom has arranged things so that I need employment in order to pay off moving debts and provide adequate health insurance coverage for our family. His hands weren't tied here, He could have eliminated this need for me to work outside of the home. He knew that my intense hatred of debt and desire to be free from its shackles would trump my desire to stay home. I have to believe that for right now, He wants me to work.

2) Because I believe God has called me to work, He is going to use this situation to mature and change me in ways that wouldn't be possible by staying home. I'm sure this is part of my hesitation -- I know this refining process is going to be tough at times. I'm thankful that God never brings us into the storm without going there with us and assuring us that He will help us through it. I pray that I'll avail myself of His provision and not seek to manage it all on my own.

3) At the appointed time -- when His work is done -- He will lead me to another job or situation that is right for our family. I only need to wait on Him and make the most of what He has called me to do right now. Oh, that perennial lesson of trust... These unchosen scenarios always point out my arrogance in assuming that I know what's best for me and mine by fretting about whether God's going to "get it right". Have mercy, O Lord.

Discerning the will of God can be tricky, but I've come to realize in recent years that His guidance is something He does as well as something He gives. Sometimes His guidance is clear -- "Do not steal". However, in the case of whether or not to work outside the home, it's not so black and white. While God is altogether sovereign over the events of the world, our choices do matter. I don't understand how it works, but Scripture says it's "both/and", not "either/or". He uses our desires and subsequent decisions to accomplish His purposes. I know that there are moms in similar situations that choose to stay home when carrying similar debt loads. Their desire to be the sole caregiver for their children trumps even the desire for eliminating debt. I would conclude that if they have peace about it, then it is God's calling for them and right for their family.

One of the reasons I have peace with this choice is that God has provided caregivers for our children with whom we feel very comfortable with. Riley attends a Lutheran preschool near our home and the bus picks him up each afternoon to take him to his SpEd speech class at the elementary school. He's made friends there, even identifying his besties, and his social skills continue to improve. Kendall is taken care of by a mom of three grown kids who absolutely adores her, the only girl among several little boys she takes care of. Kendall lights up every time I bring her to over and obviously enjoys her time there. Knowing that our kids are getting social and learning experiences that they would not get at home makes leaving them easier. And it goes without saying that I cherish my evenings and weekends with them even more, as a result.

In preparation for my big change, I've been meditating on Psalm 25:

In you, LORD my God,
I put my trust.

I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one who hopes in you
will ever be put to shame...

Show me your ways, LORD,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long...

Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
toward those who keep the demands of his covenant...

The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare...

Guard my life and rescue me;
do not let me be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope, LORD, is in you.

Thank you to all who have prayed for us during this year of tremendous change for our family. These prayers have certainly been felt, and our faith has been strengthened by seeing the Lord provide all that we need month after month. I would covet any additional prayers as I start my new job, that I'd be faithful to my calling and trust in Him for all that I need.

Let the crazy-busy days begin!

Shelby