birthday ponderings

It's my birthday today and as it always comes on the heels of a new year, I look back and ponder what has changed in the past 365 days of my life. With one exception (30), my birthday has always been a time of celebrating. I enjoy getting older, which is unlike so many adults that I know.

Why is this? Maybe because I enjoy new experiences and each year I have been granted these wonderful things that make life interesting and shape me as a person. I like the fact that life keeps moving (most of the time) even when life is good (like now). The varied people that I call my friends help to expose me to new things. Every person that I call my good friend has left a piece of themselves with me and I'm better for it. I will teach Riley to choose his friends well as this is the blessing of the truest kind – the fragrance left in your soul is sweet.

Another reason I like birthdays is that I'm able to see how I continue to change, to evolve and become the woman that I was meant to be. Though this awareness is coupled with a heightened perception of my failures – I keep uncovering more and more – I'm able to see where I'm improving in an area or two that I have been working on. Because I'm in the perpetual state of self-improvement, birthdays give me a chance to see those changes and the courage to work on other issues during the coming year. It helps to have a husband who loves me with all my warts and still thinks I'm worth living with for the rest of his life…someone who believes in me and is confident that my lofty goals are achievable with God's help.

37 was an extraordinary year for me… the first pregnancy, the first baby, the first nursing, the first round-the-clock childcare, the first juggling of job and family responsibilities -- it's hard to imagine a year that can top this one. (I've been told many times that being a grandparent is even better; I guess we'll have to see about that.) Being Riley's mom has been a blessing beyond imagination, and I imagined it to be pretty wonderful. Being someone who was raised to be self-sufficient, I don't do well with dependant types. I don't like to be needed – it invades my emotional space. I wasn't sure how I would do with someone so utterly dependant on me for everything. I was happily surprised to find that I didn't mind sacrificing my comfort (& sleep) for Riley – maybe because I expect him to need me and therefore don't mind being needed. I'm all-too-aware of how fleeting his neediness will be. I cherish the fact that he still enjoys snuggling with me anytime I want it as he'll have more interesting pursuits in a few short months when he goes mobile.

I typically live in the future, looking forward to the next thing. At 38, I am definitely living more in the here and now as I want to savor this time with my family. There will never be a time in my life like this again. Jim Elliot said, "Live each day to the hilt that you believe to be in the will of God". I'm living it to the hilt and smelling all the roses along the way.

Shelby

ps: To my 20-something friends -- the 30's are even better!