leaving Boston

Today was a full day. It started with picking up Shelby’s mom at the airport (she flew in from Anchorage). The 5:30am wake-up was tough on top of lack of sleep and lots of stress. It’s great to have her here though. I’ll have a lot more help with household duties that Shelby isn’t physically able to do. And it’s always great to see the initial bonding between a grandparent and a new grandchild:

Riley was awake and alert today. We had a ball talking to him and holding him with those beautiful little eyes open and looking at us. He also seemed to take in every bit of his surroundings. Soaking it in like a sponge. Here’s a picture of Riley and his Dad:

Riley and Shelby had another appointment with the lactation consultant this afternoon. After hearing that Riley had inhaled 3oz. of food earlier in the day we had great hopes for this round of breast feeding. The boy didn’t disappoint and looked like he had been eating that way since day one. Good job Riley and Momma! Since good feeding is one of the remaining criteria for Riley’s release this is very encouraging.

The biggest news today was yet to come. Riley left Children’s Hospital! He hasn’t been deemed ready for home yet, but he’s been transferred to Winchester Hospital where they have a new Special Care Nursery that is headed by our very own Neonatologist, Dr. McAlmon. It’s nice to have that continuity of care. So Riley got a ride in the special gurney and the ambulance again. This time only one nurse from Children’s went along and none of the other support staff. It was much easier to see him in the plastic incubator box this time. He was sound asleep when he got to Winchester and was immediately checked over by the staff there and then given a bottle by his mom. Much different than his last trip.

So Riley is hitting all of his benchmarks. The one important one that’s left is kind of funny, actually. While he was chowing down his 3 oz. meal this morning it was noticed that his oxygen perfusion numbers had dropped significantly. He was so intent on gobbling down his food that he was forgetting to BREATHE! So much like his mom who seems to eat at light speed… So Riley’s next important benchmark is to eat well…and keep his oxygen levels high. Nice to have a boy that’s so excited about his food. Shelby was hoping she wouldn’t have a sluggish eater on her hands. No chance of that.

We’re really close to getting to take our boy home now. It’s so great to see him behaving like the healthy newborn we saw on his birthday.

So close to taking him home…

We love our boy!

Jonathan

good news

Things have improved dramatically over the last two days. We got to Children’s today to find our son was no longer under the baby warmer. He had also had all of his EEG leads removed and his hair was washed. (I’m finding out that most of the nurses working with him would love to have done this. They love his hair.) He was swaddled and under a blanket with a cute blue hat on. Riley was able to maintain his temp. overnight and all day as well. Another benchmark attained.

Riley has also been taken down to one dose per day of Phenobarbital which will be given in the evening. This ought to make him more alert during the day which will really be fun! Today during the time that he was awake Shelby was able to start working with a lactation consultant on breast feeding. He was still a bit groggy at times, but he seems to get the idea pretty easily which is cool to see. Especially since the consultant tells us that breast feeding is a learned skill, not something instinctual. Our boy looks like a natural, and Shelby is very patient and loving as they both learn this new and wonderful thing. Riley looks ready to get all of his food straight from mom. Now if he can just stay awake…

I got some good daddy bonding time in while Shelby was off pumping. I read to Riley from his Rhyming Bible Book. It was so cool to have him watch me so intently as I read to him. In my mind he’s soaking in the truths of the Gospel even though he’s only one week old. A foundation gets built one piece at a time though. It’s never too early to tell my boy about the God who loves him so much.

I got a good lesson in diaper changing today as well. In retrospect I remember someone telling me to put the new diaper down under the old before taking the old one off. I found out why after having him poop as soon as I took his dirty diaper off and cleaned him up. Lesson learned. My boy is a good teacher.

The best news of the day came to me as I was standing in the hallway tonight. I happened to run into Dr. McAlmon out there who told me that they are very pleased with Riley’s progress. As a matter of fact we’re going to be meeting with the team tomorrow to discuss the next steps in his treatment. It’s possible that he’ll be sent back to Beverly Hospital to finish treatment by the weekend. We may get to find out more of a timeframe for when he’ll be coming home as well. It’s hard not to get our hopes up too much. We’ll have to be patient and rest in God’s timeframe. The nurses all seem to think he’ll be leaving soon though. They all tell us that they’ll miss him. I hope he’s as popular with the ladies when he hits manhood.

So our boy is looking more and more like a normal newborn. It’s amazing, Shelby and I knew that we’d be able to put up with the nighttime crying and late night feeds that come with having a new baby. Now we find ourselves with a new perspective on them. We are looking forward to them. They mean a normal, healthy child. One who is living at home with his parents.

We can’t wait to have our boy at home with us.

We love our boy!

Jonathan

a better day

Today we got to Children’s and immediately got a bunch of good news. We talked to the Neurologist again today and they don’t seem to think Riley had a seizure yesterday. So Riley is no longer on an IV and he’s only on Phenobarbital, which is the one medication that we can give him at home. He’s taking all of his food through a bottle or the tube that goes through his nose to his stomach (for when he’s too sleepy to eat). Another big step toward going home. He was awake for a while twice today, once this evening while we were there and feeding him with a bottle. He’s still a little groggy, but it’s such an incredible blessing to see his eyes open again. It certainly makes it a lot more fun to talk to him when he can look you in the eye.

Riley had his second EEG today. He’s wired for sound once again. This time they left the wires on him after running the scan for about the same amount of time as last. The Neurologist seemed pleased with what he saw though. Side note here, I’ve frequently found medical doctors to be a stuffy sort. Dr. McAlmon (Neonatologist) and Dr. Riviello (Neurologist) at Children’s are anything but. Once again we see that the criteria for hiring at Children’s seems to be more than just medical competence. These two are obviously some of the top docs in their field, but they are also down to earth and extremely nice people who really know how to communicate with parents. Thank you doctors, we appreciate you.

Riley had blood drawn for his screening for clotting problems today. It was an agonizing thing to watch as his tiny blood vessels were hard to find. Dad was quite anxious while watching (and not much makes me anxious). Thankfully, Mom was pumping for his next meal. Fortunately Riley was asleep through the whole thing, although he did squirm a bit. Glad we’re not doing that again soon.

The nurses who had Riley today both told us they think he’ll be leaving Children’s soon, maybe even by the weekend. He’ll still need some hospital care, but that can be taken care of at Beverly Hospital which is a whole lot closer to home and much easier to get to. Parking is free too instead of $8 / day… Talk about encouraging news. It all depends upon bed availability in Beverly. Things are looking up though.

On a more personal note, Kim, who has had Riley as one of her charges for the last three days, went of duty tonight and we may not see her again (at least at Children’s). She has been a wonderful person to work with and has been really good to our son. She’ll be missed. I think she was as good for Shelby and I as she was for Riley.

Something I need to give praise to God for is all the people that have come by to support us. We’ve had people pray with us, give us emotional support and bring us food since we can sometimes forget to eat. Please all accept our humble thanks for the blessing that you have been and continue to be. We love you all.

Finally, we had our first grandparent visits today. My parents have come up from CT for a couple of days to see the new grandson and to lend some more practical support around the house as well. Here are a couple of pictures of Grandma and Grandpa Berg:

So today was much more encouraging than yesterday. So many things to be thankful for.

We’re most thankful for our beautiful son.

We love our boy!

Jonathan

expectations

We came to the hospital today with some great expectations. Once again things haven’t gone as we planned. Riley hadn’t been able to regulate his temp. on his own last night and was still under the warmer when we got to Children’s this afternoon. He also had an episode that may possibly have been another seizure this morning, although they are not sure. This means another EEG, this time for a longer period to see if there is any abnormal brain activity. That’ll probably come tomorrow. It’ll be another chance to see Riley do his George Clinton impersonation:

Obviously this was very disappointing for us. We thought our boy was fast tracking out of Children’s but it’s still going to be a bit before he gets to leave.

We had a conference today with the neonatologist, the charge nurse on his case and the nurse on duty. They are fairly certain that the problem was an embolism that caused the stroke. They are planning some blood tests on Riley and both Shelby and I to see if there is any genetic clotting problem. They are probably also going to do another MRI that is weighted more toward seeing what the blood vessels are doing. More tests, more information, and unfortunately more time here. Not by our schedule once again.

The upside of the conference is that the prognosis for Riley is quite good. They told us that an average case like Riley’s would mean another 2-3 weeks here. Not an exciting prospect, but far less than many of the children who are being treated here. The nurse who was on this afternoon told me afterward that the conference was very encouraging and things look really good for Riley. That means a lot coming from a 25-year veteran of NICU (thanks Kim, that meant a lot to us!)

So as I sit here writing and listening to my wife sing hymns to our boy, I’m very hopeful, but maybe just a little more realistic about our timeframe. It looks like things are going well, just not super fast like we wanted. So what else is new? Another lesson in patience. I guess I haven’t learned that one well enough yet. Time to get used to the fact that our boy (and our Lord) are calling the shots, not us. At least I know that God’s plans always work better than mine. It makes it a little easier to wait.

We love our boy!

Jonathan

sunday night update

The latest on our boy is encouraging. He’s been taking momma’s milk by mouth. He’s starting to be able to regulate his own temperature (so he doesn’t need to be under a warmer) and they are talking about putting him in a crib. The ability to regulate body temperature on his own and feeding by mouth are two of the criteria that must be met so that he can be discharged. They changed his IV from his arm to the top of his head. Looks odd but it actually looks more comfortable than it did in his arm. Here’s a picture of Shelby feeding Riley:

We talked to the charge nurse this afternoon and she said that after continued study of the MRI they are questioning whether the stroke was caused by decreased perfusion of blood to the brain or maybe a blood clot. They plan to study this further, probably with another blood test. This probably won’t affect the final treatment though. Sometime tomorrow or Tuesday they plan to start dropping Riley’s medication levels so that they can determine the amount of medication he needs to keep from having seizures without affecting his alertness or ability to progress normally. This is great news as it’s a big step toward getting to take our boy home. It’ll be great to see him open his eyes again. I really miss holding him and looking him in the eye as I talk to him. Maybe tomorrow.

Things are moving in a positive direction. Hopefully Shelby and I will be getting a lot more rest tonight. The nurse in charge of Riley sort of kicked us out tonight and told us to get some rest. I guess we looked bad enough. Shelby has been dealing with some headaches that may be a result of the spinal that she had for the C-section, so she had good reason to look tired. I’m just tired for general purposes. Speaking of which, we’re off to bed. Tomorrow is another, and hopefully better, day.

Jonathan

how Riley’s doing

So here’s the update on Riley. For those who haven’t heard, he’s had some problems. (How Mom & Dad are doing will be discussed separately.) Thursday morning as Shelby was feeding him the nurse who was helping her with breast feeding noticed that he had a repetitive spasmic motion that he was making with his right hand and arm. She immediately had Riley rushed down to the Special Care Nursery where he was examined by the staff neonatologist. It was determined that he was having seizures that were showing up in the arm, and that he also had stopped breathing briefly during one of them. Blood was drawn for testing for a blood borne infection. He was started on antibiotics and Acyclovir just in case he had an infection of a bacterial sort or a herpes infection. He was put on an IV and was given Phenobarbital (a depressant) to calm the seizures. Riley was then taken to Children’s Hospital in Boston in a special ambulance with a special care team that included a staff doctor from Children’s.

When I got to Children’s Hospital on Thursday afternoon Riley was in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). He was being monitored constantly and was sedated to the point where he was asleep. He still was having occasional seizures which I could see. He had been given an ultrasound of his brain which came back negative (medicalese for no problem found). Overnight on Thursday Riley was also put on Ativan and Dilantin and the seizures stopped, although he had one further seizure overnight on Friday. His medication was increased after that and he has not had any since. During this time he was being fed exclusively by IV. On Friday afternoon Riley was given an EEG to scan his brain activity and see if there was anything that was consistently different than normal. After he had been on the EEG for about 30 min. the Neurologist looked over the scan and the scan was stopped since it looked totally clean. The original plan had been to continue the scan for 12 hours. Good news.

The next major test was an MRI. MRI’s are much more precise in what they can see than an ultrasound can be. The MRI was done this (Saturday) morning. The Neurologist came by to give us the results this afternoon. Apparently Riley had a stroke during the time of fetal stress that he went through during the birth process. This has caused an injury to a focal (and small) part of the left side of his brain. The injury causes an irritation to the brain tissue, which then causes increased and uncontrollable brain activity in the area. Thus the seizures.

Today Riley started to get fed by mouth for the first time. The great thing is that he is being fed his mom’s colostrum, which she has been pumping and bringing down to Children’s, as well as pumping while visiting the last two days. Shelby was even able to feed him by bottle tonight, which was a big blessing. Since we have a diagnosis now the doctors will be able to put together a treatment plan and will start adjusting medications to get him to the point where we will be able to take him home. We don’t have any idea what that actually will mean or how long the process will be, but it’s a start. At least there’s some hope that he’ll be coming home with us soon. He’s being put into a crib tonight rather than the incubator that he’s spent his time in so far. I’ve noticed that the kids who are in cribs tend to be the ones who go home soon after. A good sign.

update on dad

This has been an enormously trying and emotion-filled time for me. Each step that has been so totally different than what we had anticipated has been full of tears and heartache for me. God has placed an enormous love in my heart for this little guy. With that comes an extreme desire to “make things OK”, something that I can’t, of course, do. Leaving Beverly Hospital today was the latest heartache. The empty car seat was incredibly painful to see. But fortunately the joyous homecoming is just delayed a bit. Something to look forward to.

God has been ever present and has blessed us in so many ways. I am grateful for the team from the birthing center and also from Beverly Hospital who saw Riley’s distress during labor and rushed Shelby off for the C-section. Without that presence of mind the outcome would have been far worse. The staff at both hospitals have been tremendous in what is a very difficult time for us. The people of Children’s Hospital have to have been touched by God to have such an amazing combination of kindness, caring and medical competence. It is a great comfort to feel that I can trust my boy to them and rest easy, knowing that they’ll do the right thing.

We have been taken care of by friends who have made sure that we get something to eat, but also are giving us companionship and a good spiritual check-up at the same time. We have prayer teams holding both Riley and us up to the Lord all over the country. We feel those prayers and we feel the support that so many have offered. Personally, I really appreciate the phone calls that I have gotten, even though I haven’t had the time to return many of them. I feel that love and am blessed by the support. God has truly been giving us all that we have needed to get through this difficult time. Praise and thanks to Him as well as to all the people who are there for us in so many ways.

I had expected having a son to bring me through many trials that would test my faith and make it stronger. I hadn’t expected the trials to start so soon. But then none of this has gone as I expected, right from when Shelby told me they were keeping her at the hospital on Tuesday. God has a plan though and I trust Him. There have been times where that’s the only thing that has kept me going over the last few days. I can’t imagine what it would be like to go through this without Him to lean on for strength. I’m glad I don’t have to.

Hopefully the next time I write I’ll have some happy news to report. For now I just need to hit my bed.

I’ll go to sleep loving my boy.

Jonathan

update on mama…

It’s been an emotionally and physically draining past 5 days and as my cell phone is filling up with messages from my friends and loved ones, it seemed best to reply via the blog. Taking care of Riley as well as ourselves is taking up every ounce of energy we have. I hope to be able to talk to more of you in the days and weeks to come, but for now this may need to suffice.

First of all, thank you to every one for your calls of support, prayer and wishes for a speedy recovery. We have felt the arms of God’s love all around us through this time and we feel deeply blessed to have so many people loving us from both near and far.

Many have asked how I am doing and I guess I would say I’m as well as can be expected under the circumstances. It was hard to have to be separated from Riley just 24 hours after his birth, having only a few hours with him due to being heavily medicated after the C-section. Initially on Thursday afternoon I was taking care of business by letting folks know what was going on so they could be praying, but after about several hours the reality set in and I was weeping at the loss both my son and husband. It made the few hours that I had with Riley in my arms Thursday morning even more precious to me.

I was grateful to be given a day pass on Friday to be able to go to Children’s Hospital with Jonathan and spend about 6 hours with my son. The people at Children’s are wonderful and they let us stay with him and hold him for the majority of our time there. As long has he isn’t undergoing a test, we had pretty much full access to him. I was pretty wiped by the end of the evening, but it was good to be there nonetheless and my spirits improved having been able to spend time together as a family.

Today, I was discharged from the hospital and I didn’t realize how hard it would be to leave without our boy with us. Leave it to my sensitive husband to feel it first and then make me aware of it too. It was another plan that didn’t come to pass that J and I wept over together.

So I have those times each day when I just weep and let it all out – the sadness at how different reality has been from what we had hoped Riley’s birth and homecoming would be like. The disappointment is most keenly felt when I am emotionally and physically drained from the weight of everything we’re dealing with. I try to take one day at a time and not to think too much about future events that I can’t predict or control. I’m thankful that my body is healing well from the surgery, that my boy is healthy outside of the seizures and that the NICU docs and nurses are taking great care of him.

We haven’t let go of the fact that God is caring for us as a family and will give us what we need when we need it. We’re feeling the need of Him right now and learning to lean on Him for everything. Right now, all I am able to do is cry for help and strength. The Holy Spirit fills in the rest of what I can’t say.

Now that I’m home, we’re trying to establish a routine in which we can take care of ourselves as well as give our boy what he needs. Pray for wisdom that we can find the right balance so that we don’t try and do more than we really can. Many have offered to help in any way possible and know that we will not be shy about asking for help as we need it. We’re still just trying to figure out what it is we need at this point. For now, I think the need is sleep, so I’ll sign off here and get some rest.

Love,

Shelby

birthday

It was an eventful day today. I’ll let Shelby fill you in on most of the story (since it’s 12:45am right now and I’m wiped), but I can give the synopsis. Shelby was actively in labor when I arrived at the hospital this morning at 7:30. At 7:45 her water broke and things started moving along. By 9:45 she was feeling the need to push (and doing so entirely without meds by the way, my wife is an amazingly strong woman). The pushing was causing Riley’s heart rate to drop down into the 70’s and 80’s though and since labor was going to take a while we couldn’t risk going on naturally. So Shelby was rushed off for an emergency C-section. About 15 min. later Riley was out and about and looking awesome! Vitals are 7lbs 13 oz, 21.5 in tall, born at 10:19am. Here are a few pictures:

Mom and baby are both resting comfortably (much more so for Shelby than she has for weeks). More news tomorrow. I’ll leave you with a bit of video:

Jonathan

the best laid plans...

Well, plans change. Riley’s heart rate drops every time Shelby moves. So she’s spending the night in the hospital tonight. No balloon catheter. And her contractions have picked up again and gotten a bit stronger. Not enough for me to stay the night at the hospital but who knows, I might get a call in the middle of the night… We’ll see. In the mean time she’s gotten some medication to help her get some sleep.

Shelby is going to have some further inducement done tomorrow if things don’t ramp up naturally. I’ll be heading back in to the hospital at about 7am. Thank God for cpap (the only reason I ever get a good night’s sleep).

Tomorrow we get to meet our boy. I can’t wait!

Time to get some sleep.

It feels like Christmas Eve.

Jonathan

high anxiety

Shelby went to the birthing center today for an appointment where it was planned that she would have another prostaglandin treatment as well as having all other vitals checked once again. After sitting in traffic (the trip took 45 min. instead of 20) she went in and had another non-stress test done. Riley’s heart rate was 80 (a sign of fetal stress, rather than the 110 t0 150 that it usually is). So she was sent over to the hospital for monitoring. She received the prostaglandin there.

I was at work, and I got a call from her (the caller ID said “BEVERLY HOSPITAL”; that got the blood racing) telling me that everything was OK but they wanted her to stay. At lunch I went to see her. Even though she’s feeling like a pincushion (IV inserted, five blood samples taken) she’s doing fine. Aside from being more bored than usual and even less comfortable than usual that is. Hospital beds are not built for comfort. (I wonder what they are built for.) She was having mild contractions that where 2.5 to 3 min. apart. Riley was looking strong during them (praise God!)

At 4pm she gave me the news that she’s definitely staying the night. The mild contractions that she had been having were lessening, so it looks like labor isn’t starting yet. Next they’ll be inserting a balloon catheter into her cervix that will stay there for 12 hours. The hope is that it will stimulate labor. The doctor wants her to stay to the end of his shift (6am) for monitoring. If labor hasn’t started at that point Shelby will get to go home.

There are a bunch of pros and cons here. If she stays and labor starts it means Riley will be born in the hospital, and we’ll have our son to take home with us. Not the optimal location since there is more of a possibility of interventions if she stays there (and it’s not as homey a setting), but he’ll be with us in the outside world quicker. If labor doesn’t start and Shelby gets to go home tomorrow, there’s still the chance of having Riley in the birthing center with the natural childbirth that we have wanted so very much to have. Better location and process, it just means more waiting…

I hate waiting.

So it’s been a day of anxiety for both of us. Shelby has had to spend most of the day in the hospital alone. I’ve spent the day at the office freaking out about my wife being in the hospital. Not fun.

Through all of this our blessing of a baby boy seems perfectly content to stay right where he is. Must be a comfy place.

Hopefully we’ll have more exciting news tomorrow.

Jonathan

inducements…take 2

I had another high blood pressure reading again this afternoon, so I had to donate more blood and urine to rule out preeclampsia or toxemia. No follow-up call from the midwife this afternoon means this is hypertension and nothing more. The plan at this point is to go ahead with a third dose of prostaglandin gel tomorrow morning and possibly one more in the afternoon. Here’s hoping that Riley’s ready!!

My due date is Thursday, so pray that this is the week we get to see our little guy! In the meantime, I’m going to watch Freaks and Geeks and be thankful that high school was over a long, long time ago….

Shelby

waiting…

I had two doses of prostaglandin gel applied today about 6 hours apart. I noticed some mild cramping with the first application; the second application the cramping was more intense. Before the second application the midwife said that my cervix was still 2 cm dilated and that I was 70% effaced. The cramping has since settled down a bit, but my entire uterus is rock hard and it’s difficult to walk fully upright. So we wait to see when Riley’s going to give the signals to start the serious labor contractions.

J said that he had difficulty staying focused at work today, wondering if I was going to call. He said he felt like he was high on caffeine. Since I’m still a week away from my due date (and boys tend to avoid early arrivals, I hear), I’m not entirely surprised Riley didn’t respond immediately to our latest invitation to join the outside world.

So, I guess I’ll be watching more episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer to stay entertained.

Shelby

Let the inducements begin…

I saw my midwives today and got the go-ahead to have a prostaglandin gel applied on Thursday morning to ripen the cervix and see if that helps to start up my contractions. Looks like all those Braxton-Hicks contractions have helped to dilate me 2 cm so far and Riley’s head is right down there where it needs to be.

Since I’m still retaining fluid and my uterus is measuring large so they ordered another u/s to check my amniotic fluid levels (again!). Fortunately, I’m still in the upper end of the normal range. They also did another non-stress test (monitoring Riley’s movements and heart rate) and he was a textbook case. That’s my boy!

My elevated BP may cause a change in plans regarding the hoped-for water birth at the birth center. They said that if my BP gets above 140/90 during labor they will want to transfer me to the hospital for the remainder of my labor. So, even if we can get labor going without drugs, I’m preparing myself for the possibility of a hospital birth. Since the goal is a healthy mom and baby in the end, I think I can live with that.

Stay tuned…

Shelby

T minus 12 days and counting…

Riley’s not responding to any of our efforts to coax him out prior to May 24, so looks like I may need to prepare for another week of bed rest. I put out the word at church that I was looking for movies to watch since I made it through the extended versions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy (with 12 add’l hrs of appendices), the 7-volume Pride and Prejudice series plus a few others. I’m hoping that Jonathan will arrive from church tomorrow afternoon with a bunch of new vids from my friend’s libraries in case I’m laid up for another week or more.

I have been happily surprised to find that the adjustment to bed rest is one that I’ve been able to make the most of. Having something interesting to watch definitely helps to make the day go faster. And several friends from church have come by with their little ones which helped break up the monotony of my new daily routine.

The midwives are now seeing me at least twice a week to check my blood pressure and if higher than normal, order additional blood work or urinalysis. So far, everything looks fine and the BP is only high when I haven’t been lying down for a few minutes beforehand. At this point, they’ll let me go to my due date before starting their own inducements. We’re hoping that will be a moot point…

Happy Mother’s Day from the mom-in-waiting,

Shelby

37 weeks, full term & on bed rest

Our hopes for a Cinco de Mayo baby faded last night, so now we hope for a Mother’s Day with babe in arms, not belly. I’m now waiting out the time at home, as my midwives advised me to lay on my left side as much as possible to reduce the edema and lower my blood pressure. So no more going to work until after my maternity leave is over.

I can already see & feel the benefits of lying down – I lost about 5 lbs of fluid weight in 24 hours. My legs aren’t tight and swollen like before. To pass the time, I’ve been watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy again – the extended edition with the bonus cds will help me get through these first few days.

Shelby

ferocious as a lion

Dad to be finally checks in…

Fatherhood is almost here. For an emotional guy like me this brings up a lot of stuff.

First, I’m really excited. I’ve wanted to be a dad for a really long time now. I think about holding Riley, feeding him, watching him grow and hit all the milestones a kid does and there’s a whole lot of joy in my heart. I look forward to teaching him, playing with him and dragging him around with us everywhere we go. (I can’t wait to drag his trailer along behind my bike!) I’ve been having totally new thoughts come into my head as I’m out and about. For example, I’m out riding my mountain bike and I see ducks in a pond. I think about how I can’t wait to show Riley the ducks and see him get excited about this new and wonderful thing. First time I’ve ever gotten excited about ducks that I can remember.

The whole process of Shelby’s pregnancy has been amazing to me. Even with all the knowledge I have about pregnancy from a more scientific basis, I can’t escape the miracle that the development of a child is. It is so amazing to me that a part of me joined with a part of Shelby and now there is a new person growing within her. It’s kind of funny, but every time I look at that big beautiful tummy of hers I feel my love for her deepen. The whole concept of the “one flesh” that the bible talks about has become so much more real to me. The bonding that takes place between two people during a pregnancy is so much more full than anything else that I’ve experienced. Every day is a new lesson in why God created men and women to be in pairs.

One of the most amazing things I’ve experienced is the love that I already feel for Riley. David Wilcox characterizes it as “ferocious as a lion.” Boy is that right on. I can only guess at how that love will grow once I’ve actually held him in my hands. Look out; I think my heart is going to burst…

The next thing that comes up is what I would characterize as “fear and trembling.” It’s terrifying to think that I’m going to be responsible for this person. Not only just for providing a roof, food and clothing (scary enough, but doable.) The scariest part is raising him and not screwing him up. I want Riley to feel loved. That means so much more to me than just some mushy emotion. I want him to feel that his home is rock solid. I want him to know that his parents love each other and for him to have confidence in our relationship. I want him to have solid boundaries and to learn right from wrong. I want him to have a safe home and a family that he is happy to be part of. More than anything else I desire for him to come to know the God and Savior that I have come to know and love so much. The fear and trembling that comes with this last piece is the worst part. I know that I need to trust God. It’s my guess that my faith will be stretched and strengthened here more than in any other way. I’ve heard it said that on your knees is the best place to be. I think I’ll be spending plenty of time there.

So with Riley perhaps only a few days from being born, I’m seeing all the blessings laid before me. So much preparation has gone into becoming ready for this addition to the family. I feel like I did in the last months before Shelby and I were married. Full of anticipation…and wanting to get on with it!

On that note, I’ll leave you with the lyrics to David Wilcox’ song Great Big World. It brings a tear to my eye every time (no surprise there, right Sweetie?)

Jonathan

Great Big World:
(David Wilcox and Pierce Pettis)

I'm more tired than you
As I reach down to tuck you into bed
I've got to find your bear and the tiger
That sleep beside your head

This love that I feel is ferocious as a lion
So brave and so gentle that I almost feel like crying

It's a great big world
It's a great big moon
It's a great big sky
And a great big love for you

Then I tell you a story of a lion who's your best friend
He gets you into trouble but he brings you home safe in the end
Some day all these stories may come to life as true
When a child of your own can wake that lion in you

It's a great big world
It's a great big moon
It's a great big sky
And a great big love for you

It's a great big world
It's a great big moon
It's a great big sky
And a great big love