dad

Dad's Cross

Last Tuesday my world changed forever. My father passed on that afternoon. There's absolutely no way that I can explain the depth of emotion that I am feeling right now. I feel like an emotional pinball, bouncing from depression to what feels like anxiety to agonizing pain with occasional short periods of relief and "normallness". Sometimes I feel all of these things at once, along with an intense love that I have for my wife and son. Even for an emotional guy like me that's a lot. Dad was one of the rocks of my life, someone who was always there and stable. He was always able to give good advice and was constantly ready to lend a hand with anything I needed. But most of all, Dad was a brother in faith and a friend.

Losing Dad brings up so many different things for me. First of all, there is just the pain of loss. I feel like someone has reached into my chest and pulled out my heart, only to leave it hanging there in agony. Knowing that Dad has "Passed to Glory" is a comfort, but it does little to damp down the pain of missing him now. I guess time helps with that.

Secondly, I'm confronted with a feeling of loss for Riley's sake. My Dad was the best Grandpa in the history of the universe. It pains me to think that my son will have no memory of this man whose passing has sent his other grandchildren into despondency. Riley won't get to ride on the Grandpamobile, have Dad push him on the Big Swing, or sing "Jesus Loves Me" with Dad as they head off to someplace fun in Grandpa's car. The ache that I feel over this relationship that won't ever be is enormous.

The third thing that comes up for me is something of a 'potential loss'. I am confronted with the fact that Riley may not even get as many years with me as I got with my father, and that with what seems to me to be a short life (Dad was 72.) For Riley to get 49 years with me I'll have to live to 97. I do hope to live that long, but who knows? My Dad was in good health and then suddenly just fell over and was gone.

So I struggle with all of these things. The one thing that I have not had a struggle with is anger. I had a patient ask me about that the other day. I realized that I don't have anger over Dad's passing. I'm confused by it, as with so much of God's plan. Dad was such a useful person, constantly about the Lord's work. But how can I be angry when I know that my Dad is spending all of his time from this point forward feeling no pain, knowing no suffering? All he feels is the joy of being with the God we both love so dearly. I cannot begrudge him that, nor can I be angry with my God who has seen fit to call my Dad to Glory.

So in the midst of all the agony I come to thankfulness. Tears of pain come to my eyes, but there is joy as well. Here are a few things I'm thankful for:

- That I had a Dad who was involved in my life.
- My love of the outdoors and more specifically mountain biking had it's root in "walks in the woods" that I took with my Dad as a kid.
- My Dad showed me that being married is a matter of hard work and being committed to the relationship. The 50+ years he spent with my Mom shows that he took it seriously.
- Dad lived a full life, jamming as much into it with as much "gusto" as was possible. Again, good example.
- My Dad spent many years praying for me prior to my coming to faith. Prayers answered, Praise God!
- Dad was on his knees next to me as I accepted Christ in Washington DC during the Promise Keepers "Stand in the Gap" rally on October 4, 1997.
- Dad modeled what it was to be a Christian man, always striving to be more like Jesus and to live by the Word.
- The times we spent together at Congress, a large Christian convention that was held each year in Boston. These were a treasure for me, as it was during these events that our relationship grew strongest.
- I have no regrets. Dad and I were very close and were up to date. And we always told each other "I love you." That's priceless to me now.
- I had a Dad that meant so much to me that I feel this devastated now. I loved my Dad!

So I thank my God for this great man. He will be missed and thought of nearly constantly. But the ache is tempered by joy. And I look forward to seeing him again. Next time we won't ever be separated again! Praise God! See you in Heaven Dad!