two years

Two years ago on May 6th life as I had known it came to an end. To some this may sound a bit melodramatic, but it's true for me on a great many levels. May 6th was the day my Dad died.

Most of my thoughts and feelings are the same as they were two years ago, although many of the emotions are at a lower level or come up less frequently now. Thankfully. Living in that kind of emotional flux for an extended period would be too difficult.

There are some things that have changed though, and this is the reason for the melodrama. My thought patterns were re-shaped in some ways by Dad's passing. There is a a certain amount of innocence, or maybe naivete that left me that day. For better or worse I don't know.

I've always been a fairly positive sort. I guess I inherited my Dad's "rose colored glasses." I've usually been good at putting a positive spin on things and, unfortunately sometimes, at seeing things as potentially more positive than they will end up being. The world has always been a mostly good place that I felt quite at home in.

When Dad died for the first time I came to see the 'wrongness' of this world and to realize that it really isn't the 'home' that I've been made for or that I long for. Until Dad's death I always struggled with the concept of not being "of this world." I now feel it keenly.

There's a passage of scripture that sums up what I'm feeling. 2 Corinthians 5:1-5 (NLT), which says:

For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies. While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.

As the passage says, it's not that I want to die and get on with things spiritually. I'd like to live a long and full life, especially giving all that I can to my family. But with Dad's passing I'm that much more conscious of the "groans and sighs" that are part of life, as well as the imperfections of life as we know it. Death is the biggest of these in my opinion. And there is a growing part of me that longs for the eternal. God has prepared me for this indeed.

I'll end with a link to the eulogy I gave for Dad. He was a great man who I hope to emulate. The pain I still feel over his passing is only tolerable because of the promise of eternity spent with him. I miss him very much.


Jonathan