adventures in day care

Maybe my tendency to live in the future affords me the opportunity to grieve over losses ahead of time so that when the day arrives, I have less crying to do. Such was the case today. I’ve cried off and on during the past month in anticipation of going back to work. Yesterday, I was a basket case. Cried during church, cried at home, cried at small group Bible study, cried during Riley’s bedtime feeding, cried putting him to bed, yada yada yada -- you get the picture.

This morning I got choked up a few times while feeding Riley and kissing him goodbye. Later on, at work, I had a little cry while I took a pumping break, but other than that, I did better than expected. I was distracted – I had to triple-check my work to ensure that I hadn’t made an error – but I wasn’t as depressed as I thought I would be. Maybe I’ve gotten some of the grieving done already and am better able to accept something that can’t be changed.

I missed my boy. A lot.

I’m grateful to be able to leave the office early this week to help ease the transition back to work. I picked Riley up around 1:30 and got a sheet from Diane, his caregiver, called “The Daily Infant News”. She records when he ate, slept and included a note that “Riley had a happy first day”. Well, I’m glad that one member of our family did. J was so out of sorts emotionally that he forgot to give Diane any instructions and had to go back. He was still choked up when I called him a shortly after.

We’re hopeful that the days will get better as we have more of them. Every mom I work with tells me it does get easier. I don’t know if the guilt will ever go away, but at least I can feel good about where Riley’s at. Diane’s got 20 years of experience and J and I both felt good about the environment our boy will be in.

But we’ll still miss him. A lot.

Shelby